A is still A
It was 5 in the evening when I arrived. The 8 hour car ride had made my legs stiff, my bottom ache and my sides were pinching, though hardly noticeable compared to my chest, which seemed to want to explode.
I parked the car and sat still for a moment staring at the steering wheel. This invention had gotten me this far but I still had to summon myself to complete the journey. I slowly rose from the seat and opened the door emerging into the warm summer night.
As I stepped out of the car I turned around. His sight made my knees almost give in but I forced myself to stand up straight. Carrying the intense look on my face that I had practiced for so many years I searched for his eyes, the dark pearls I remembered and which, aside from the car in which I was traveling, had carried me here.
I stood in silence admiring his body all the while presuming that he would only be able to detect serene confidence in me. I wondered who would move first. And then I wondered how it was that I was suddenly standing right in front of him, an inch away from his face, our eyes still deadlocked. I felt a firm grip on my wrist and then a pull. I inevitably resisted as his grip became tighter and his pull stronger.
As he pulled me toward the door the air around me seemed to be filled to the brink with oxygen, every structure around me amplified a thousand fold. I set one foot before the other but one could hardly call it walking. I had no energy left to observe the simplest motion of my body as my heart beat rose to a silent scream.
We passed through the front door and came to an abrupt halt in the living room. He grabbed my other wrist and forced me tightly against his body. My heart beat was now a deafening pounding in my ears. As our eyes locked again I detected a hint of anger in his and instinctively drew back. But his hold was too strong now painfully twisting my wrists outward.
I gasped for air. Even though it seemed that the room was overflowing with that live saving gas, I seemed unable to secure enough of it into my lungs. My knees had now lost all their form leaving me with no stability. It seemed like the only thing keeping me upright was a sheer will to seem untouchable.
I felt his mouth on mine. Despite all my anticipations for this very act, it was an unexpected movement. His hands dropped my wrists and grabbed the back of my head pulling it closer. His hands seemed to be everywhere at once, moving down my neck, collar bone, running further down, beginning to tear at the layers of clothing underneath them. The pace picked up so rapidly that as soon as I had comprehended one of his actions, another had already taken place. My capacity for sensation was rising to painful heights.
Suddenly I felt the urge to turn away. I could not bear such passion. As I began my struggle to break his hold again, his pursuit became only more vicious. He grabbed my shoulders and pushed me against the wall slamming his body against mine. He pinned my arms upward against the wall. I realized that I had no way out. But I wanted none.
As I felt him moving slowly and deliberately, my arms spread out against the wall trying to grab hold. The faster he moved the more I fell into it, my heartbeat now in tune with his. Then, for a brief instant all was one, all my passion for life united with his, a pristine moment of reflection of myself within him.
As his legs gave in shaking slightly he pulled me down onto the floor with him. He held me close to him as he had not yet left my body and my chin dropped onto his shoulder. With my eyes closed I listened to my breath as it sucked in the remaining molecules of oxygen mixed with his scent. I wanted him never to leave my body. It seemed utterly strange to me that I had had ever held doubts that I could not be his.
©’07 Anja Hartleb-Parson
